The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Looking at you, Jesus.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..