M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
prepare for carbonated trouble
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Weighing up my bread heating options
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there