My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”