Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I’m giving up for Lent.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Taliband
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]