-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks