*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m tired tomorrow.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.