I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶