[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care