I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share