The human personality is made of five key elements
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Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
See..?
.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”