Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Lmao the reply