I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
who wore it better?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
getting old is fun
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.