Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit