Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Finally!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.