Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I never needed anything more in my life
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.