I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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