I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.