Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
me when i see my girls butt
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…