NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.