Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Godspeed, John Glenn
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @