friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
You Might Also Like
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Sell your car
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
This sounds bad:
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.