[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food