Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white