If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?