Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.