“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?