When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
japanese corn
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Hmm, not sure about this change
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.