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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.