Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My Sentiments Exactly
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.