Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.