My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Good dog. ❤️
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to