Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
are there any atheist mantises?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Bring back the McRib
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
every single time