When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
HELP 😭
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”