We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!