The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”