why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.