My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
You Might Also Like
Thursday Thought.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄