My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers