When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Cats (2019)
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.