I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Tough love is true love
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.