ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…