I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*