that colleague who touches your screen
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.