wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.