LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.