*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
this is uni
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”