wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
#Caturday
Here’s a meme
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit