today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.