Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Generation gap…
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost