For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
You Might Also Like
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”